I can’t believe I was so wrong about something I was so sure of. I’m questioning everything now!
I was having an unusually rough morning and I couldn’t clear my mind to think my way to a solution to a problem I was facing. I felt overwhelmed and terribly despondent. Soon I was working way too hard to fight back tears. But I’d already planned on going to the gym to work out and I wanted to stick to my intention.
The moment I started driving towards the gym I knew I didn’t have it in me. I couldn’t muster up the mental energy to do it. I was emotionally overwhelmed and my racing and perplexing thoughts and feelings were draining me. Frankly, I was not in the mood to work out. Just wasn’t. (You know THAT feeling?)
I pulled into the gym parking lot, and put my car into park fully aware that I wouldn’t stay. I couldn’t focus; I had no clue what I was going to work on today; and I felt defeated. “I’m tired”; “this workout is gonna suck”; I’m not in the mood”; “I need a break”; my mind had no shortage of reasons I needed to abort my original plan.
The new and increasingly attractive plan B was to find a fast food restaurant (any one would do at this point) and drown my bad mood in a greasy and savory treat and wash it down with a refreshingly cold sweet one. I was having a “bad” morning so I “deserved” it.
And that’s when I knew what would happen next.
I would leave the gym, go get some junk food, scarf it down, drive home feeling worse than before, and my bad morning would become a bad day. So with my car in reverse, tears of frustration and disappointment in my eyes, and my head hung in defeat, I made my choice.
I kicked the car into park, got out and made it towards the gym’s entrance. So I could hear it, I whispered to myself, “Yari, YOU choose. YOU decide!” I walked into the building while not wanting to. I put my bag in my locker all the while not wanting to. And I walked towards the fitness floor still not wanting to. But what I wanted more than my desire to NOT work out was the realization of my fitness goals.
I pictured that goal and I chose an action that would get me there. I chose to invest in the results I want tomorrow instead of sabotaging my progress by giving in to the temporary emotional need of today. You see, that emotion would eventually pass. Today will pass. But the fruit of the seeds I sow today, that’s what will remain. That’s what I’d have to live with tomorrow. And I would have enabled a behavior that dictates that when things are hard, it’s okay to give in. That’s not who I am, nor is it who I want to become. So in-spite of myself, I CHOSE.
I worked my butt off and left it all on the fitness floor. With every sprint, I hurled myself towards my goals and away from my excuses. And I became more focused; determined; accomplished; fulfilled. I became stronger.
When I left the gym, I was drenched in sweat. I got back to my car and realized I didn’t feel regret. I felt no shame. I wasn’t disappointed in myself. I felt no guilt. On the contrary, I felt strong and sober-minded. I was proud of myself. So proud. And I was one workout closer to my goals!!!! And THAT is what I deserved: to do something that would propel me forward and be good for me. My “problem” is still there but I am in a much better place to face it than I would have been had I chosen the easier plan B!
That was a close call! Today, I didn’t think I had it in me. Boy was I wrong!!!