20 Funny Parenting Quotes

Nobody survives parenting, sanity intact, without a sense of humor. Therefore, in the interest of mental health, we’ve compiled 20 of our favorite funny parenting quotes — some shared by you via our “tip jar”! Enjoy, have a laugh, and continue to fight the madness!

“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so that they can get into a good college that we can afford.”
―Dave Barry

“You know you’re a parent when … you find yourself giving adults enthusiastic high-fives for completing basic tasks.”
―Jerry W., Tuned In Parents

“Parenting is publicly sacrificing your dignity buying a toy only to have your child play with the box.”
–C.N. Hamilton

“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
―Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Those parents that overshare photos of their kids online are really trying to convince the world that their kids are too cute to be responsible for their gradual decent into madness.” ―Unknown

“Families with babies and families without are so sorry for each other.”
―Ed Howe

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
―Calvin Trillin

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
―Milton Berle

“If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.”
―Lawrence Housman

“A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes.”
–Russell Lynes

“Never raise your hand to your kid. It leaves your groin unprotected.”
―Red Buttons

“The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.”
–Unknown

“Patience: Apply it to parenthood now, avoid a budget nursing home later.”
―Elle C. Mayberry

“Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.”
―Ogden Nash

“A parent who has never apologized to his children is a monster. If he’s always apologizing, his children are monsters.”
―Mignon McLaughlin

“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
―Douglas Adams

“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”
―Oscar Wilde

Parents: “People who spend half their time wondering how their children will turn out, and the rest of the time when they will turn in.”
―Eleanor Graham Vance

“Lying to your kids is OK. Except flying. Don’t tell them you believe they can fly.”
―Daniel Hall, Tuned In Parents

“Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.”
―Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

Thank you for sharing and being tuned in parents!

Feel free to drop your favorite quotes, recipes, real kid quips, tips, and all things parenting in the “tip jar”! We would love feature them here and share them with other tuned in parents on our social media pages: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest!

-TiP Team